it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
