I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
