she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
