Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
