Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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