apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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