I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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