I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
