I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Drunk is a universal language darling
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
