Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
