Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
