Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
