My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
