i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
