I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
