my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
