Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she pinky promised me she was 18
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
