Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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