I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I need moral support for this bender
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize