I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
