Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
