RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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