you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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