I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
