I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
