I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
