his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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