Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
