Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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