i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
