I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
smell my finger.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
