If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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