Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
