I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
