I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
