How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
