You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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