Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
