And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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