I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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