What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
