I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
