Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize