What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize