How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
