I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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