I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
