so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
