i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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