i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
