now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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