His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
