Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
