Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
