can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
