remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
