Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
