i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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